Today we finally got out of snow and took dogs for walk in the sun over off Louie road. Dogs loved finally getting out and so did I. I had not realized how much being house bound was affecting my emotions but it had a lot. Plus, there has been very little sun in last two weeks and that does not help someone like me.
I cannot help but miss Doc a lot of the time. Like Scout, i just feel he was taken too soon from me though others say...oh he was old. Well a year ago he was running and playing in the snow like he has for years. Yes, he slowed down but not that much. I now feel bad about leaving him to go see Boris since clearly that did not mean as much as i had thought.
Boris....what a mess....who knows why he is angry at me? Again i am left with vague excuses about how i manipulated him and used him but how? I did not force him to come out here and if he had not than he still would most likely be with his grandparents living with them. He seems to forget that i was one that found his father, encourage and than made him finish college. Something he would not have with out me pushing him. List can go on and on all nice things.
I know the one that hurts in that i broke his heart though i never intended and told him this often. That i did love him greatly just not in that way. But again like Kathy, he just one day decided i was not worth it too him. it hurts so much.
In other way...maybe he will finally find real love and have a really nice life which he always did deserve and this is only way he can do it. I just wish he had not excluded me....since it does hurt so much. I just do not want him to be angry with me. I want him to love me and realize all nice things i did....is that my ego?
i am so lost inside....living here with Jeff. I realized he moved in not so much at all for me but to help himself. Yes, i be better off with out him living here. He brings me down and i hate myself or am told almost daily about my faults. Rarely am i given a complement.
I have tried to cook nice dinners and in this year....i have done that plus bought dinners and what one thing has he done for me just out of kindness. Not one thing. It is very hard to live with someone even though i do not love him as husband....i daily or often have it in my face how much he loves Margo over me and it hurts. I am yelled at if i say exact same thing he says about her.
Why do i stay in such situation. I need a plan...get my health back and get out of here even if it is moving to the cabin in the spring summer fall for a large part. Or maybe move in with another woman or even guy person.
i need to see counselor and make a plan and improve my life since Boris is not going to help me as he always promised ...was his way of paying me back for all i did. I never asked and i will never through that in his face.
Why he can be so hurtful is beyond me but he is like sandy and i know i don't mean much to her either. i don't mean much to anyone except Jeff. I do know that despite his love for Margo i do mean something even if i don't feel it.
